Integral, millennial, meditator, bard, host, enneagram#9, truth of the moment
What does the word “transformation” bring up for you?
Transformation...immediately I think of a high order change. It makes me think about a chrysalis, like a butterfly or something drastically changing structure. I think with human beings and thinking about people it usually encompasses a drastic shift in worldview or a belief system or like a whole new way of approaching life. That's kind of how it comes to me.
I think it goes in very specific patterns that are fun to sort of diagnose and every now and then check in and watch unfold, which to me is a key part of working with people or systems. So it's like taking a snapshot and being like where is this thing really currently, and where is it going?
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"Evolution" is probably the word that I'm more likely to use and be comfortable with. A lot of people in my circles we'll talk about evolution. Something that inherently means that it's improving or going from something that once worked to something that is now needed.
Would you consider yourself in the period of transformation or evolution? And what kind of transformation are you in?
Always. Always. God, God, I hope it stops.
But I don't want it to stop.
I have a vision: a business slash community slash tribe building vision and there's me and three other people at the core of it and that seems to me to be the biggest thing that's most aligned with how I think of as my purpose. So that's terrifying because it's just going to require a lot from me to the step up into leadership and be really solid in that vision and build something that seems really kind of on the edge itself.
Um, so I think probably this moment, the truth of my moment in time is Can I do that? Can I kind of let go of thinking small and really stop expecting somebody to give me a permission to do that? versus just being like, Alright motherfuckers, this hasn't been built before, we're just gonna do it.
So I think in a lot of ways it's almost like this adult child dynamic going on of wanting to be guided and brought into something and then, on the other side, be a guide. For this project in particular it's about in many ways exposing people to an integral everything kind of way of living and being and thinking.
And you know, we talked in our team about the elders who are baby boomers, types predominantly in that world and kind of waiting for them to be like, Alright, here, here's the game plan, now you have our blessing. But we'll hang out with people and realize that everybody's flawed there. So there's no perfect guide out there for us. But also we want to have that connection. At the same time, we're just like, we just have to fucking do it. And for me that's actually about living that value system that we're also trying to bring people into. So it's like a very 'cusp' feeling and we just have to practice what we preach and build it as we go with people. And that might have been part of the answer actually, is that it has to be co-created if it is it truly is an emergent future kind of thing.
With this leadership, I have to be a different person and let go of a lot of stuff in order to do that.
What prompts transformation? How much of that you think comes externally or or happens internally moving out?
My hypothesis, and this speaks a lot to what I want to be doing with people, is it doesn't have to be hard. It's not rocket science in a lot of ways, the transformation process as a whole.
I almost hesitated to say because I think it's like a plurality. I think crisis will do it inevitably almost out of necessity. And then there are gradations of self directed evolution or self directed transformation. So on one side there's a disaster or a breakdown or a life crisis. A tragic event in your own life. And then, on the other side, is like somebody who just has a really good set of practices and perspectives and has the map and is just like, every month I sit down for an hour and do a self diagnosis of where I'm at and I see all the stuff and can kind of like shepherd my own thing.
But, at the same time, you can't control the crisis. Sometimes shit just happens. But you can exert a lot of, like endogenous, inward to the outward, control insofar as energy and time and just being part of the unfolding of things. Or you can fight against it. I think the points where it really breaks down is usually - barring a big crisis - is when you're actually holding onto the reins and you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like there's like some deep fear or something that needs to be let go of, but you're just too caught up.
How are your guiding yourself through transformation?
For starters, it means waking my ass up at 7:00 AM, meditating for an hour every morning. I think consciously evolving just requires introspective practices. So for me, meditation is one of them I do a lot of writing, journaling. And actually one thing that I'm super jazzed up about is I'm developing this journaling almost free write a form that goes through all the value systems and is a self diagnostic.
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My other hypothesis is that it's really hard to do alone. And so instead of just having a comet hit you in your life and then changing to stabilize a worldview, or like a way of being, it takes a culture of people doing it with you. Like a container of people who keep pushing you and reminding you that that's your tribe. Yeah, having people who are also interested in doing it with you.
Do you feel your transformation in connection to others or do you feel that you experience it more singularly?
I feel connection. Yeah, I feel like there's like a handful of places I can deliberately expressed that, like my accountability group, project team, some friend groups, communities, the farm being one of them.
I guess sometimes I feel like I'm not understood. I guess this is the other part that maybe speaks to more of where I'm at.
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Everybody is going somewhere. Everybody's doing something. Everybody's unfolding and everybody has, by virtue of us all being human, this like shit and form that, that happens. You're trying to find commonalities and trying to find love. You're trying to find fulfillment in your work or you're trying to find some semblance of purpose. You're trying to live your values, volunteer for things and just make the world better.
So in that I feel calmer but there's... there is like a kind of the missing element. Like I can talk to anybody about their relationship and this is my experience with some people I live with or colleagues I might not have a really deep connection with. Um, and that's good. It's fine. But then there's this other sense of my own belief system of being heard or seen. And sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it takes too long to explain.
So it's my fault for not sharing it with people. Maybe I don't even know. Maybe they do care about these things and we just haven't gotten there. Yeah. There is like general support and then there's like "You know what I'm up to. You get me."
Do you have a sense of where you are in this particular chunk of transformation or is it totally unclear to you? How do you know you’re making progress?
It's like you don't actually realize the progress you're making and you kind of downplay it. So part of what I think is maybe a good diagnostic is looking back a little bit. I have this thing where I try to remember back to certain periods before a transformation happened and yeah, that emotional memory, recalling that. And sometimes it's embarrassing. Usually the emotion that comes up is a type of like general light shame I guess. Like, Oh my God, what was I doing? I can't believe I used to X, Y or Z. I used to show up that way. And I think that's good. I think that's probably one of the good parts of a diagnostic is to celebrate it.
What does transformation look like to you?
Long story short, I think it's like some sort of infinite unfolding kind of spiraling.
What big feelings have been coming up for you during this time of transformation?
Fear. uh, fear's cousin: excitement,
Fear being excitement in drag. So there's a sense of puncturing through the fear, like stepping into it.
Joy. it sounds a little cheesy, but there are somatic, almost waking dreams of a felt sense of what it might be like. I think this is actually kind of an interesting indicator. Have a felt sense of what it might be like to have to be living a life that's really, you know, stepping into purpose and values and all that kind of stuff. Every now and then, you know, I get like a faint whiff on a quiet day. And I think that's like overwhelming joy and gratitude in those moments of like, yeah, I can sense it. It's like a blessing. It will be good. It's right. That's right.
Anger. I think there's an anger of these old patterns still kinda clawing at me and trying to pull me out. And maybe a healthy anger would be like pushing away from it. Not like a seven-year-old kid who wants to wait around for the path to open up magically. Maybe an anger at the shadow elements in me and the stuff that still wants to come back and sabotage it. Like I wish it wasn't there. I think anger to me is about having a grievance and then it being broken. And so I think my agreement with myself is that I will transform and will step into this and then anger shows up when I'm noticing myself being held back or holding onto this way.
What has personally helped you in this time of transformation?
I think the acting work that I've been doing in recent history is a really powerful way right into that. So instead of just kind of playing with the Joseph Campbell Hero's journey infographic, it's like, let's obliterate your conscious mind for awhile and actually make you that character. So it's like I'm breaking open emotionally and breaking open to total vulnerability so that you're honest about what part of that quest are you really on. And what's really emerging for you. It's almost like an element of speed that comes to mind of like, you could go at it slowly and you can kinda unfold, you know, without doing much work or you can grab the dragon and pull it in front of your face and get kicked off the cliff and have to learn how to do the levitation spell in the air. And I think something like narrative and dramaturgical frameworks kick you off the cliff and really break you open.
I think therapy in a way and coaching is like a type of narrative engagement where you have to talk about yourself almost from the third person looking at it like, Oh! process actually that I would say is more of a second person dialogical thing. Where now you’re having to explain and process your life out loud with somebody which can be incredibly "off-the-cliff kicking".